Weight obsession is weighing us down
What could open up for us if we let go of self-judgment?
*This piece is adapted from a recent social media post
Puzzle pieces are scattered across the kitchen counter as he nibbles his chocolate chip waffle. His bites are rabbit-sized. I love listening to him chewing. What is it about hearing my kids chewing that simultaneously warms and breaks my heart? He won’t always smack his lips or breathe so heavily with every morsel, or maybe he will but it will be a lot less cute when he’s a teenager.
I prepare my yogurt, methodically counting out the blueberries as I place them in the bowl. As if that extra one will add five pounds to my torso rather than the one calorie it contains. I haven’t inputted my calories into a food app since 2015, yet my brain is constantly calculating. My eyeballs measure, my hands weigh.
Obsessing about my food and body is exhausting.
It’s always hard to stay regimented when I’m traveling. Especially when I’m alone with one of my kids. I haven’t done a strong workout in days and I’m convinced that everything I eat is sticking to me immediately. I make another cup of tea hoping that will fill me a bit. It only makes me more jittery. Or maybe I’m still hungry.
My son is half way through a tall tale by the time I come to. He had been talking to me that whole time. Telling me some fantastical story about superheroes and villains, while I was lost in a reverie about diet and exercise. My self-judgment is it’s own villain, keeping me from his tiny laugh and the details of his imaginative play.
I am so grateful to have this time with him. Our alone time has become more and more precious since the birth of his brother. I am filled with lightness and gratitude for this special moment we’re having.
Then I see the clock.
There is no time to move today. Another day, more calories. We are off to a museum. He is so excited. He needs to expend energy. My time is not valuable. My eating disorder is the last priority on our list. I should have woken up early. The day hasn’t even begun, and I have already failed.
I’m weighed down by heaviness and guilt for not working out.
Thankfully these things are able to coexist: The gratitude and the judgment, the heaviness and the lightness. Ten years ago, I would have been entirely consumed by my food and my body, so I see this as growth.
But I can’t help wondering:
What could I be doing with all of the mental energy I spend obsessed about my body and food?
What could I be creating? What could I be giving? My kids? My partner? The world? Myself?
He asks me to hold him. His little body is incredibly light as he tucks his knees up to my chest, in a child’s pose. I wrap my hands around his bum and he buries his head into the nook of my shoulder.
He’s not thinking about how different my body looks since I had him.
He’s not looking at what I’m eating and judging my choices.
He doesn’t think I’m lazy for not working out since we arrived.
Why am I?
“I love you mama,” he says softly in my ear. I pull my head back to look him in the eyes. He’s perfect.
And to him, right now, I am perfect too. I am everything. Not because of my workout routines or dietary choices. I am perfect simply because I am his mama.
May I know myself through these innocent eyes for even a moment.
Or even more powerfully: may I see myself through the same unconditionally-loving eyes I that I see him.
What could open up for me if I let go of my self-judgment?
Love.
<3 dismantling this is some of the most important work we can do. another question that helps is, who am i without this? learning to see ourselves without these thoughts and self-judgment is a process and since we've carried it for decades, we can't remember who we were without
Seeing myself reflected back through my kids eyes fundamentally changed my life, may we all find that same unconditional love within ourselves.