Moms can't win

...so why bother trying?

I bawled my eyes out all three times I watched America Ferrera’s monologue in the “Barbie” movie when she expresses how contradictory it is to be a woman:

You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin.

You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas.

You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time.

You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.

I was alone the first time I saw the movie. Alone! On a Sunday afternoon.

I had the audacity to leave my two children and husband to go do something for myself. It felt insane at the time. It was heartbreaking looking back at the two sets of big brown eyes longingly watching me leave.

“I’ll be gone three hours max,” I assured everyone, “It takes twenty minutes to get there and the movie running time is 1 hour and 56 minutes.”

I started compulsively checking my phone to see how much time I had left before I had even left the house.

The movie was playing during their nap time and I had been away from them before. I attend weekly Al-Anon meetings and I had gone for a hike once with a friend, I think? I did get to spend a glorious entire weekend alone for Mother’s Day a few months prior. Even though I was pumping every four hours and FaceTiming the kids in between, it was heavenly. I also checked out early my final morning to see them before school.

But up to the point of seeing “Barbie” for the first time last August, I had never really gone out during the day to do something just for me that wasn’t work or child related. Naturally, I was riddled with guilt.

I looked at all the parents in line with their giddy daughters and pined for my rowdy sons. I watched the surly teenager on screen repeatedly reject her mother and could have kicked myself for missing a precious moment of their childhood (whether they were awake for it or not).

But in time, I started to settle into the film and right when I stopped checking my phone and curled up onto the comfortable movie theater couch, a scene came on screen where one of the main characters gives a chilling, heartbreaking monologue about the contradictions of being a woman, and I had an epiphany…

Motherhood is a journey of contradictions.

If I spend time away from my kids, I’m selfish. If I am with them all the time, I’m smothering.

If I work out of the home, I’m greedy, but if I stay at home, I’m lazy.

If I keep my kid out of school for a mental health day, I’m abusive, but if I don’t spend time with him, I’m being neglectful.

If my body expands to grow a baby, it’s beautiful. If it stays expanded afterwards, it’s ugly.

If I only cook my kids organic meals, I’m self-righteous. If I feed them frozen chicken nuggets, I’m poisoning them.

If I sleep with my kids, I’m a hippie, if I let them cry it out, I’m evil.

If I breastfeed through toddlerhood, I’m setting my child up for therapy. If I give my baby formula, I’m setting my child up for therapy.

I have a lot of thoughts on why things are so polarized and wrought for women in any role, let alone American motherhood (as do other thinkers who are way wiser than me, like Cindi DiTiberio and Sara Peterson), but for the sake of your time and my own sanity this morning, I would like to leave you all with this:

We’re going to feel guilty. Do it anyway.

We’re going to upset someone. Do it anyway.

We’re going to be judged. Do it anyway.

The only expert on your child is you. The only expert on you, is you. “Experts” can be important guides, and as I often say, I definitely want a surgeon performing my appendectomy if one is needed (*knock on wood, I don't).

But for all the other thousands of day to day decisions, moms must make to maintain their sanity while also keeping their children alive (and yes the order in which I wrote that is very intentional), those decisions are entirely up to you.

You can’t win, so why bother trying?

Do you and do it unapologetically.