I cant believe I’m telling you this
*reviews the requirements for "good mom"
I’m writing this from 30,000 feet in the air. It’s my son’s 5th birthday and I’m flying away from him.
I went back and forth for months about whether or not I should take this trip. I’m attending a transformational conference led by my business coach.
What kind of mother takes a business trip on her kid’s birthday??? I’m not presenting. I’m not being paid.
But I can’t begin to tell you how much my soul needs this. This pause from the monotony merry-go-round that is parenting. This opportunity to dive deeper into myself and my business.
This opportunity to just be me. To just be Sarah.
I need (need, not want) a break from the nonstop demands. Motherhood is often a thankless, 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job, and I can feel myself crushing underneath the weight of expectation.
We’re told that motherhood is a privilege—that being a mom is the most important job we will ever have. We’re told to put aside our ambitions, our desires, even our bodily urges, to serve our children.
A good mom puts her family first, so if I “need” to prioritize myself, I must be a bad mom, right?
Teetering on the edge of decision, I started asking mom friends if they’d ever missed a birthday. All but one said ‘no,’ but many said their male partners had missed birthdays before.
Dads miss a birthday for a work trip and it’s a sacrifice for the family.
Moms miss a birthday and we are selfish shrews.
All week I have been confessing to anyone in ear shot about my devious plan. I lean in to whisper the words, “I’m missing his 5th birthday,” and then quickly recoil, grimacing as I anticipate the gut punch of their facial expression.
Some people are judging me, but a great number of them (moms, especially) have responded with a genuine, “Good for you!,” and I feel my shoulders relax a bit.
Yes, I’m doing this for me, but I’m also doing it for them. I’m a better mom when I am whole and fulfilled outside of the family system.
My Al-Anon sponsor recently texted me these soundbites from the December 2nd passage in Melody Beattie’s daily reader, The Language of Letting Go Journal:
We cannot afford to put our needs on hold, waiting for another person to fulfill us. That will create resentment, hostility, and unhealthy dependency…
It can feel natural to put our life on hold. That is when we get caught up in codependent beliefs….
We do not have to put our life on hold. Go on with your life. Take life a day at a time.
I won’t sacrifice myself at the altar of “good motherhood” and frankly, my kids wouldn’t benefit from me doing that anyway.
It’s not fair to put all of our hopes and dreams and aspirations onto them. Talk about being crushed under the weight of expectation…
Our children deserve to see us living our fullest life and leading with our souls’ desire—not the world’s desire or our family’s desire.
A mother living her life motivated by passion and purpose is not selfish. It’s the example her kid’s need to pave their own paths.
“And the real question is, if you deny yourself permission to live a creative and more meaningful and fulfilling life, what are you losing? Yourself.”
Eve Rodsky, Find Your Unicorn Space
It's funny how us moms need to say this outloud as if searching for a confirmation that this is ok because we are. And even when we know that it is not only ok, but healthy and necessary to do (gosh, we are recharging for our family. This too is for them before us), we still find ourselves repeating it to whomever is listening. Well, from one mom to another, I am listening and saying: It is ok. It is more than ok. It is healthy. It is necessary. It is amazing. Be proud of yourself for doing this. Enjoy your trip. Enjoy your you time. You deserve it. And so do your sons. Happy birthday to your boy! The celebration will be even sweeter when you return. 😘😘
2 years in a row, I led a Yoga Teacher Training in which one of the weekends happened to be my eldest child's birthday (my only at the time). I felt horribly guilty, in part because my mom and MIL made me feel guilty about it. Not because I was particularly worried about how my daughter would feel about it.
She was 1 and then 2. She wouldn't remember now, even if I asked her about it.
And I didn't even miss the entire day. Just a few hours of it.
On the other hand, my husband has missed our son's birthday multiple times (and our eldest daughter's, too), because of deployments or TDY's. He's a pilot in the air force.
No one has ever made him feel guilty about being gone for those.
Perhaps because they place a higher value on his work than mine (military vs yoga/movement educator) or perhaps because the expectation is that mom is always around.
Either way, there are so many ways to make time special with our kids that is not just on the day of their birth.