What do you want?
Yes, YOU...
I’m always hesitant to send more than one email a week. I’m afraid people will find me annoying and unsubscribe and then I won’t have any friends and I will be all alone at the lunch table.
I love to write and I love to help people and I know that will only happen if I send the damn emails, but then I get so bogged down in what they want.
Big scary “they,” who feels like an intimidating monolith of cool people deciding who is relevant and worthy of group love, when “they” is really you (and me, even).
I ask what “they” want all day, but rarely do I pause to ask myself: What do I want?
Do you?
Do you know what you want? Or do you just want what they want?
My kids have very clear preferences. VERY clear. There’s no group-think infiltrating their opinions of mustard or vegetables. Or chocolate or cereal.
They also own that their opinion can change on a dime. They may ask for the green bowl with the green spoon, but if they decide at the last minute, it was the purple bowl, they will let you know without shame.
Adults are much more uncertain. We google our personal opinions. We look to another persons’s reviews to tell us if we liked something.
“Well, I liked the movie/show/book until I read xyz’s take on it.”
We don’t even bother going places or trying things if another person didn’t like it.
What do you like?
What do you want?
When you understand group dynamics and the social nervous system and specifically the phenomenon of “fitting in” which is a maladaptation of our crucial survival need to be a part of the group, it starts to make more sense. Of course, we don’t want to step too far off the path or stand out too much. We literally would not survive on our own, humans need other humans.
But how can we honor our differences and desires while still being a part of the group? And how can we still honor the group without losing ourselves in an effort to fit in?
We read Sesame Street’s We’re Different, We’re the Same to the boys almost every week and I love how this book encapsulates the truth that we are all unique and yet we are all part of this beautiful collective.
A rainbow would be boring if it were only green or blue, what makes a rainbow beautiful is that it has every hue.
So aren’t you glad you look like you?
We’re different.
We’re the same.
And we’re wonderful.
Pay attention today to your preferences this week. Are they coming from an intuitive and wise place that knows, this is not for you, or are they coming from an anxious, fitting in place?
What do you want?
Lovely, as always, Sarah! I love how you compare children with adults, and how many of us, as adults, do what we have to to fit in with our peers. Such an insightful piece.
I click with this so much! I used to wonder why it was that my mom (who had 6 kids) seemed to have no preferences. She always went with the flow and let others choose. I have found myself falling into that pattern with just two kids, and anyways, my tendency is to 'be open to whatever.' But when the choice is up to me, I often have a hell of a time making choices in so many areas of life! To answer your question, what I most want this week is to have some pockets of time where I do things just for fun, without worrying about productivity, perfection, or pleasing others. Thanks for asking:)