It's not yours to carry. Put it down.
It's not yours to carry. Put it down.
Is it empathy or codependence? And how to tell the difference.
I’ve had an ongoing shoulder/upper back/neck injury thing (yes, that’s the medical term) since 2012. I can’t really identify the cause or origin, but it manifests like I-slept-funny-on-steroids and it lasts for weeks to months. I can’t move my head freely, which leaves me in this frozen, upright shape. It’s like I’m on high alert and I have to turn my entire body to see what’s anywhere other than in front of me. This shoulder/upper back/neck thing always seems to happen when I’m feeling overwhelmed by the weight of the world or the emotions of people closest to me. It’s like my body physically manifests an oversized backpack of responsibility, which I feel compelled to carry around all the time.
It’s so heavy.
I see a person frown or hear a sigh or read a horrific news report or overhear someone speaking unkindly to a child and I feel very responsible. I take on whatever those affected are feeling (or at least what I think they are feeling, as we can never truly know the experience of another). I thought I was just empathic. I’m highly sensitive and a sponge and so other people’s stuff sticks to me more easily. I thought this was some kind of gift or super power and that because I feel all everyone’s stuff as if it is my own, then it is my responsibility to fix it.
I must make the sad person laugh. I must change the mind of the angry person. I must stand up for the child. These “responsibilities” pile up onto my back like boulders.
But these are not mine to shoulder. I am not serving anyone by taking on their pain. I’m not saving anyone by stepping in and taking over.
I’m not being empathic, I’m being codependent.
I’m letting the world outside influence what’s happening on the inside of me. This is not an act of power. This is a relinquishment. I’m giving my power to the emotions of others. Empathy and compassion are two very different things.
It’s not just the events of the world these past few months (years? decades?) that is weighing on me. It’s a lifetime of taking on the pain of those around me. I thought I was helping by taking their load onto my back. I now realize that all I was doing was putting extra weight on my own shoulders that was never mine to carry in the first place.
But I can put it down.
I want to put it down.
I am putting it down.
Putting it down doesn’t mean I ignore injustice or coldly brush off another’s pain. It means that I stay very clear on what I am responsible for. I stay clear on me. I focus on my own peace and serenity. Which may sound selfish, but believe it or not, this allows me to serve others better. When I take on someone’s pain and feel the impulse to do everything in my power to relieve their pain, I’m actually confusing their pain with my own. I’m trying to fix the world, so I can feel better. I’m trying to get that person to lighten up, so I can feel better. Empathy can become codependence very quickly.
If I stay clear on what is my responsibility and then when I'm met with the pain of another, I can compassionately respond. I can be there for them, without needing to change how they’re feeling (which is ultimately about changing how I feel).
From my journal this morning, here are the things I am responsible for today:
Being kind
Speaking my truth
Be introspective
Find compassion
Do the work
Look at my shadow sides with love
Forgive myself
Laugh and dance
Be honest
Remind myself that other’s energy or behavior does not need to affect me
Love myself
We are all carrying so much these days, most of which is not our own. From generational trauma to world events to the pain of those closest to us.
Put it down.
Get clear on what is yours to carry.
Make a list: What is your responsibility today?
Put everything else down.