I Didn’t Want This Message, But I Needed It

When ambition meets reality in motherhood

I am here.

I almost put the card back into the deck so I could pick another one. That would be “cheating,” but I was certain I’d picked the wrong card.

“I am here?,” I ask aloud.

It seems so benign–so surface level. How is this some great message from the Universe? No, no. I need more specificity. Where am I supposed to be going? What am I supposed to be doing?

I was sitting on my yoga mat on the living floor, draped by a fluffy, faux fur blanket. I had just completed a 15 minute breathwork session, where I drift in and out of the liminal space, as my head lolls back and forth without intention or effort. I love this practice because it allows me to truly surrender. Something I clearly wasn’t doing rin this instance. I usually journal afterward to reflect on what came up for me, but on the days I’m feeling particularly lost, I pull affirmation cards or Tarot first.

I hear the Universe through words. Whether it’s a random page I flip to in my favorite daily reader, or someone’s share in an Al-Anon meeting, or a conversation, or a card I have chosen from my various decks, I always seem to find the exact guidance I seek.

Photo by KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA

But not today. Today, I got “I am here” and it was only making me feel more lost.

I had woken up feeling unmoored. It was the final day of open cart for my launch (translation: my last big marketing push for people to sign up for my program before I stopped accepting admissions) and things were not going as I had hoped. Let’s be real, I had zero sign ups. And I was fucking tired.

For the past six months, I had put so much attention and energy into this launch. I had been interviewing moms through surveys and in person. I had culled the research and adjusted my modules. But no one signed up.

Clearly, it wasn’t the right time to run this (Or maybe it was simply the messaging? Or maybe it was totally personal and I’m destined for failure???). There are so many possibilities that I will explore later when it’s not so fresh, but one thing was certain: it wasn’t working, and I didn’t want to push it anymore..

I have a deep calling to support moms. I am a teacher (and a teacher’s teacher at that), but in this particular season of runny noses and minimum days and endless piles of laundry and random school closures and bottomless needs and bouncing-off-the-walls-energy and unregulated emotions and Ubering to school and sports day after day, I am having a very hard time getting any kind of consistent teaching going.

(Okay, that’s not totally true. I’m blessed with a few private clients [thank you, Universe!]. This helps me bring in some income, albeit >10% of what my husband earns).

But the career I keep envisaging for myself–the one where I run group programs for moms and travel the country speaking about the power of yoga to improve maternal mental health–is not happening right now, no matter how hard I push.

So of course I push harder. I am here? Well, I want to be there.

And that’s when I got it…

I am here. “Be here, Sarah. You are here,” says the Universe.

I am here.

I can have my dreams and drive, but I can also find peace by tuning into where my roots are right now.

For us moms of young kids who are struggling to pursue our passions, while we drown trying to keep up with the demands of motherhood, maybe we can learn to surrender to the reality of this moment. Not to say we give up or push aside our desires! No, no, but maybe there is peace in flowing instead of forcing. In being here, instead of pining for there.

Because if I’m truly trusting of the Universe to send me messages when I need them, and I’m truly trusting of the Universe to gift me opportunities when I need them, I must accept that this is where I am supposed to be right now.

I am here.

That was the whole point.